Out with the Old (2008)...

2008 was an interesting year for me. I can't say it was either good nor bad. I have so much to be thankful for. A wonderful family, great best friends, an education, MY LIFE, and the man upstairs who def loves me.

A few things didn't go so well as you guys may know. I lost the only guy I've ever loved, and I'm still trying to get over that situation. I figure the first step into having a productive 2009 is being honest with myself. & that acceptance is, I still love you!

No not you guys in blog land, well I love you all too, but I mean him...

However, I will be trying a new approach. You guys remember Eb talked about how every year they are people she just doesn't take into the new year, I think I might try that. Some people just belong in the pass and that is where he, & a few others, will stay.

This is the first year is 3 years I'm starting the yr off as a single girl, but that's okay...my momma brought me into the world alone :)

Over all though, thinking positevely, '08 was good to me. I"m still here right?!
& you guys have been awesome. You all helped me get through this year & I've grown to appreciate each and everyone of your blogs in different ways.

see you guys in '09.

So long...

Sharing is Caring!

Quite a bit to share with you guys today!!! Ready?

Girl Meets Boy
Girl meets boy standing on the 1 train platform. Boy starts talking to girl.
Girl finds boy intriguing. Boy takes 3 train, girl takes 2 train. Boy's train
comes first and he opts to not take it and wait for 2 train with girl. 2 train
comes and boy and girl get on together. Boy and girl engage in conversation
about quite a bit. Guy flirts, girl flirts back. Guy and girl cover careers, school, art, locations, and some more on the 15 min train ride. Guy stop arrives and guy says to girl,"nice meeting u!" and slowly but surely exits the train.

WTF just happened? I thought we were connecting? I guess not. Super weird man.
And honestly he seemed like he wanted to ask for the number but something was
holding him back.
Oh wellz...

Scratched out...Erased

So today I'm at work on my Blackberry browsing through Face Book, looking for a friend who happens to have the same name as my ex. A list of all my friends with the same name pops up, but I notice the ex is no longer on the list. I type in his name, and low and behold, that shit straight up read, "You don't have a friend by the name if M*****." First words out my mouth, "oh wow!" He really deleted me as a friend. Let's see, felt bad for .0000000000001 sec then laughed. I told a friend about it, and she said it's probably his girlfriend's doing, I'm like okay, that's immature. Regardless of the fact that we had a relationship, I kept him on there because we still went to high school together and all of my friends on there are people I went to school with since elementary. She- my friend- says it shows he's thinking of you. I say...hope he's not.
Oh wellz...

Christmas gift 2005, Age 18

HEY HEY HEY!!! At that time it was HOT...and everyone wanted one :) & I luved Pink!

Random: Pt. Whateva!

Well December 8th is over and I got through it just fine. I'm really beginning to think I'm getting over him and its a wonderful feeling.

As I type, I'm yet again on my way to NYC. Classes are over for the semester but I still have a few papers to write and a final to take next week. I figure these are all things I can finish up at my home in NY.

I've got a date with my BFF. She hasn't been feeling so well lately, her back is all messed up. With school and everything, I haven't had the opportunity to be there for her so since I finally have some time, we're gonna have a sleep over tonight. Yes we are 21 and 24 and still have sleep overs lol. I'll go to the doc with her tomorrow, and we'll get to spend the day together. At a time like this, I need to be there for her because she is always there for me :)

Besides all that stuff, I'm just here, checking in on you guys. Hope to hear from you all soon.

P.S. Don't you all missy my sissy sexxy luv as much as I do? :/

Happy Happy Birthday Baby!

LMFAO....so I guess it's a good thing, that as I listen to this song, I laugh. It doesn't despress me at all. I think this kind of behavior warrnts us dropping that 4% to a 3% huh. Maybe not. But Still...

It's the ex's birthday. Surely not gonna call, text, IM, facebook, myspace, or any other form of communication. So i guess I'll vent wanting to say Happy Birthday here in Blog Land.
Happy Birthday Loser...Hope you choke on Birthday Cake!!!

The Truth: Pt. 5...Finale ( The Big One)

"I'm No broken hearted girl..."

6 months ago I got out of a 3 year relationship. We started dating the summer after high school and the relationship was an ideal one for me. I fell in love HARD. I just knew he was the perfect one for me, there was no one else I wanted to be with. He understood my point of views, supported everything I did, and respected me and my morals.

So I gave myself over and he was my first in so many ways. The first guy I ever
really loved, the first guy I gave myself to physically, the first guy i truly trusted, the first one to have my heart, and the first one to never gave it back.

There was all this talk-on his part- about being together forever, marriage after college, kids, and then....he dissapeared. And I feel like everything I was looking
forward to was just snatched from me.


I won't pretend like the relationship was a perfect 1 because it was far from
it, in fact we broke up about 5 times during those 3 yrs; always to his wanting
I might add. Its like we would be fine and a week later, he wouldn't want to be
together. And when we saw each other again, it would be " wow ur the one for
me."

Don't even know what thoughts I'm trying to convey to you guys right now, but the pt of the matter is 95 percent of the times I'm fine. When I think of how much he hurt me with his actions I think maybe I am better off and I HATE him. But let me tell you, that other 5 percent of the time is HARD. Those emotions serface every once in a while. And when they do oh man... I'm hurt and can't deny it. I have these dreams of us getting back together, I sit there and sob like someone died, and I just analyze the situation over and over in my head. I ask myself a billion questions.
- How can you love someone and not want to be with them?
- How could he love me so much and replace me in in 3 months?
- How could he replace me with her?'
- How could he not see that we were meant to be...how could he not...

A couple weeks ago while having one of those "5 percent moments" I wrote him an email, which I never sent; thank god. This is truth week so I've decided to share it with you even though it's extremely personal to me:


Today I thought about you, and it made me cry. I've been going around every day for the last five months trying to convince myself that I hate you, that you're the worst person ever, that you don't deserve me.

But today, i realized that I'm so broken. My heart hurts so much. I never ever wanna feel this way about anyone again and don't see how I can. You were suppose to be my special dream come true. I betted everything on you, loved you the only way I knew how, to the best of my ability, with all of me. I shared my entire world with you. Ashmalli was all for M*****. No matter what, I was always willing to stick it out for you because u meant that much to me.

I know you always thought I didn't accept you for who you were. But I did. I loved you and all of your flaws. How could you think differenly? I was ALWAYS there. And now as i replay us over and over in my head, I can only conclude that you simply didn't feel the same about me as I did you. Why didn't you tell me? Why did you make me fall in love with you and then just left me out there? WHY?

I don't know if you'll ever have to experience what you've put me through emotionally but because I love you so much, I hope you don't. It sucks to loose your dream and I wouldn't ever want you to feel that way.

I guess I can only wish you the best
Love,
Ashmalli

Please don't take this as a sign of me being weak. It actually took a lot out of me to write you this.

Good Bye!


Pretty desperate huh? I dunno. I really wanted to send it, thought it would bring me closure, but I was pretty darn scared to.

When I feel like I'm getting over him, I feel guilty. And on those days I miss him, I feel so stupid.

I don't even know anymore. I can sit here and tell myself, "I don't care, I never want to be with him again" but if he asked tomorrow... :/

But that won't happen. I'm sure of it, so...
I am the Broken Hearted Girl...

I Cried Today...

So my cable in my apt at school hasn't been set up yet and I'm left to watching DVDs while I'm at home. Yesterday I was on campus and bought 27 Dresses. I've been meaning to watch it for some time now but never got around to it. It was on sale for 9.99 & ya just can't beat that.

For those of you who haven't seen it...in short it's about this girl/woman who is in love with planning weddings, putting people first, and not giving her own life a shot. She was hopelessly in love with her boss, who later on fell for her sister, and she ended up planning their wedding. Until a journalist came along, played the shit out of her by exposing her obsession with attending weddings via the NY journal, but then in the end stole her heart and they got married.

yada yada yada with the little information. At the end of the movie I was so happy for her that she finally got what she wanted and was able to attend her own wedding with the one true guy she loved.

Then all of a sudden, I began to cry!!! Don't even know what that was about. I don't usually cry when I watch chic flicks, I rather enjoy them. Then I got to thinking about that person...
& my heart felt broken all over again. Sure it's been 5 months now and I'm feeling a lot better. I never really cry-well except for today. But it's still there. I still think of him on the daily and wonder why...ugh...
Love is a loosing game! :/

Oh I think I Like Him...

So there's this guy I've been seeing...for maybe about a month now, & oh I think I like him...It's crazy because I didn't expect 4 it to happen so so quickly. Hmph, I know he's not a rebound or anything because I've dated quite a few people since da break up...but this guy, yea he gets to me. He makes me blush and laugh. We have soooo much in common. I can totally be myself around him, you know the self that my friends and family know, and he's just really my type. He has a lot going for him & I like that. This is how you know I'm feeling him...I told my DAD about it. I never involve my parents unless I'm really feelin' someone...so it scares me a bit. Like I was telling my daddy, I don't know what to do because I never meant to feel this way. I told him I don't wanna get all caught up in my feelings and then get slapped in the face again, which is pretty much what happened the last time. & this is the advice i got....

You can't let your past experiences ruin your future ones. you obviously like this guy, because you're telling me about him. So go for it. You don't wanna be 70 thinking about what you could have or should have done. Don't be meek but live a little...

& I think that's exactly what I'm gonna do.