Back On My 95% Grind.

Okay so yesterday I made it seem as though I had a completely sucky day and in all actuality I didn't.

I went to work, and then decided to drop by one of my best friend's house. This particular friends happens to be little cousin to my ex. Every year around Christmas and Thanksgiving she makes this awesome special recipe jello that I love yum yum. So after work yesterday I went to pick up myyyy jello.

When I got there it was her, her mommy-whom I like to call my aunty :)- and her little cousin. Seeing them made me soooo happy because over the last three years they r people I have grown to love.

Anyhow, I got some awesome grub from my aunt, some banging jello from my friend, gave lots of hugs and kisses, and went home.

Once I got there, that's when things fell apart. My friend had told me to watch Neyo's new video "Mad" and that it would make me cry because it made her cry. Here you guys can take a look.

Neyo- Mad



As I started watching the video man I began to cry. The song was sad, the video was heartbreaking, and I felt that 5% creep up on me.

Seeing them, whom I see as family now, just made me miss that part of my life terribly. Pretty much one person ruined it all for me, but I guess he was the most important factor huh? Because they all came with him. Anyway, it is what it is.

"I'm convinced that we black women possess a special indestructible strength that allows us to not only get down, but to get up, to get through, and to get over.”-- Janet Jackson.

& I'm Thankful Pt. 1

It's Tuesday, and just another day for me. I'm here back in Philadelphia dealing with "the happy family." I just can't be bothered. Just know before this week is out I'm spazzing on somebody.

Remember I said this would be "& I'm thankful" week, well here goes...

& I'm thankful for my mom!

I realize that may seem cliche, but it is what it is. Without my mother, seriously, I don't know where I would be. All my life she has been a single mother struggling to give me the things she NEVER had.

When we migrated from Guyana,SA, she could have left me there as so many parents do. But she wasn't having it. She took me with her. Through out all my schooling so far, she has been there encouraging me even though she didn't have the ed. I'm obtaining. If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't even be in college because I wouldn't be able to afford it. My mom has used the LAST of her savings for her dream house, to ensure I don't stay out of school not one semester.


Kisses for my mommmy!

There is never a time when I'm in trouble and can't count on my mommy for help. So ya'll better be thankful for her too, because if she wasn't here for me...there would be no A.M. Lol.


Luvs Her!!!

The Truth: Pt. 2

First and foremost, this one is for my sissy:

Ain't it cute! lol

On to truth telling we go...

I'm not as brilliant as everyone presumes me to be.

My entire life I've always been the girl who got good grades in school. For the first ten yrs of my life I grew up with my mom and her 2 sisters so you guys can only imagine all the attention and guidance I got as the only child in my home. I was groomed, disciplined, and always did what I was suppose to.

These women, and it seems everyone else in my life, expect so much of me and the rest-including people in my very own family- are just waiting for me to fail.

My mom, as she says it, is the "black sheep" of the family and honestly of all her brother's and sister-15 of them all together- I'm the only one actually doing what I'm suppose to among the kids.

So at the end of the day I have a great fear of disappointing my mom, letting my family down, and fulfilling the dreams of the Nay Sayers.

Not only that though, I'm well aware that I do just enough to get me by and it makes me sick. If I were more dedicated to my achievements, I would be so better off. Sure I attend a good university and am on track but being average gets you nowhere. I know I can do better and live up to my true potential.

It gets even worst. Lately I've been feeling lost. As a little girl I always wanted to be a lawyer. But as high school rolled around I decided journalism was the way to go because I loved that too. All through out college I knew this was what I wanted to do. Now that senior year is here, I'm confused. WTF!! Should I go to law school next year? Politics is so much fun. I'm very much so interested in government. Should I get a masters in English? Should I go to grad school for journalism? Ugh!!! I need some guidance. Maybe I'm just scared. Actually, I am scared.

1st Stop: This Virgolicious Woman's pre-vegas showdown!!!!

Alrighty!!! Well my B-day has come and gone and events are still "poppin' off" as the younger kids would say lol. First I had a birthday party at my house to kick it off. U know, this included some family and friends:

Happy 21st 2 me!!


Blew out some candles & made a few wishes


My cousins were there in full affect...


...And so was most of my girlfriends :)


My mommy and I-She's got a big daughter now :)

Then on my actual birthday, I pulled a few of my friends together...and we all went out to eat, yum yum!


First Legal Drink, WOOP WOOP


Barbielicious huh?! lol


My food was good...and they even made it into a little star.


Even my oldest bff of them all- the conservative christian- made it out...


... & the sisters Sherri & KB 2!


Group shot!!!


A very old "perspective"...Like high school old.


Wearing Lori's hat was fun!!!


I ♥ my bestie


LADIES!!!!


workin' um


Just havin' mad fun!!!!!


I just had to do it...a bunch of flyy women with flyy shoes :)

Next Stop: It's Vegas Baby!!!

I've Got a Problem!

Okay so here it goes. My mom and her sister don't talk at all. If you ask me what the problem is, I wouldn't be able to tell you. Really I just think it's some stupid shit.

Anyhow, my mom has done so much for my aunt since she is the baby of the family. My mommy has taken her in, supported her, you know...treat her as a big sister should treat her little sister.

But like I said before, they don't speak to each other. I think it may sadden my mom so she made an attempt to call my aunt the other day. I guess she started the conversation off by saying her B-day was coming up soon and she was interested in renting out my aunt's boyfriend's club for it. She then moved into information about her resent marriage engagement.


A few hrs. later I get a call from my aunt. Here goes the convo:

Aunt: hey Ashmalli
Me: oh hey auntie ange, wats up?
Aunt: your mother called me today.
Me: really...that's nice.
Aunt: I don't know why she feels the need to call me.
Me: ahh, maybe she just wanted to talk.
Aunt: Yea, she was talking about her bday and her marriage engagement and really I don't care because i don't want to be apart of her life.
Me: (gettin' kinda tight)...ahhh so exactly what do u want me to tell her?
Aunt: If she needs the club, it's a business she doesn't need to call me and about her engagement, i don't really care. I don't want to be in here life right now.
Me: (officially tight as hell) Ahh..I'm gonna go now...my phone is dying. CLICK!

HOW DARE SHE?

So after i told my mommy and daddy all of this, they feel as though I shouldn't speak to my aunt anymore because after all, my mom was only trying to be nice and according to my mom, "you came from me and if anyone had a problem with your mom then you shouldn't wanna be nice to them."

But at the end of the day, she is my aunt and I'm not that type of person. Ya know? Like I couldn't just cut her off like that.

So I'm kinda lost as to what I should do. I have a 21st B-day dinner coming up and of course my mommy is gonna be there. I really wanted to invite my aunt but because of her present behavior I'm thinking I may not be able to.

so the question is:

Should I diss her because she played my mother HARD, or should I continue on with our aunt/niece relationship?