Back On My 95% Grind.

Okay so yesterday I made it seem as though I had a completely sucky day and in all actuality I didn't.

I went to work, and then decided to drop by one of my best friend's house. This particular friends happens to be little cousin to my ex. Every year around Christmas and Thanksgiving she makes this awesome special recipe jello that I love yum yum. So after work yesterday I went to pick up myyyy jello.

When I got there it was her, her mommy-whom I like to call my aunty :)- and her little cousin. Seeing them made me soooo happy because over the last three years they r people I have grown to love.

Anyhow, I got some awesome grub from my aunt, some banging jello from my friend, gave lots of hugs and kisses, and went home.

Once I got there, that's when things fell apart. My friend had told me to watch Neyo's new video "Mad" and that it would make me cry because it made her cry. Here you guys can take a look.

Neyo- Mad



As I started watching the video man I began to cry. The song was sad, the video was heartbreaking, and I felt that 5% creep up on me.

Seeing them, whom I see as family now, just made me miss that part of my life terribly. Pretty much one person ruined it all for me, but I guess he was the most important factor huh? Because they all came with him. Anyway, it is what it is.

"I'm convinced that we black women possess a special indestructible strength that allows us to not only get down, but to get up, to get through, and to get over.”-- Janet Jackson.

& I'm Thankful Pt. 1

It's Tuesday, and just another day for me. I'm here back in Philadelphia dealing with "the happy family." I just can't be bothered. Just know before this week is out I'm spazzing on somebody.

Remember I said this would be "& I'm thankful" week, well here goes...

& I'm thankful for my mom!

I realize that may seem cliche, but it is what it is. Without my mother, seriously, I don't know where I would be. All my life she has been a single mother struggling to give me the things she NEVER had.

When we migrated from Guyana,SA, she could have left me there as so many parents do. But she wasn't having it. She took me with her. Through out all my schooling so far, she has been there encouraging me even though she didn't have the ed. I'm obtaining. If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't even be in college because I wouldn't be able to afford it. My mom has used the LAST of her savings for her dream house, to ensure I don't stay out of school not one semester.


Kisses for my mommmy!

There is never a time when I'm in trouble and can't count on my mommy for help. So ya'll better be thankful for her too, because if she wasn't here for me...there would be no A.M. Lol.


Luvs Her!!!

The Truth: Pt. 5...Finale ( The Big One)

"I'm No broken hearted girl..."

6 months ago I got out of a 3 year relationship. We started dating the summer after high school and the relationship was an ideal one for me. I fell in love HARD. I just knew he was the perfect one for me, there was no one else I wanted to be with. He understood my point of views, supported everything I did, and respected me and my morals.

So I gave myself over and he was my first in so many ways. The first guy I ever
really loved, the first guy I gave myself to physically, the first guy i truly trusted, the first one to have my heart, and the first one to never gave it back.

There was all this talk-on his part- about being together forever, marriage after college, kids, and then....he dissapeared. And I feel like everything I was looking
forward to was just snatched from me.


I won't pretend like the relationship was a perfect 1 because it was far from
it, in fact we broke up about 5 times during those 3 yrs; always to his wanting
I might add. Its like we would be fine and a week later, he wouldn't want to be
together. And when we saw each other again, it would be " wow ur the one for
me."

Don't even know what thoughts I'm trying to convey to you guys right now, but the pt of the matter is 95 percent of the times I'm fine. When I think of how much he hurt me with his actions I think maybe I am better off and I HATE him. But let me tell you, that other 5 percent of the time is HARD. Those emotions serface every once in a while. And when they do oh man... I'm hurt and can't deny it. I have these dreams of us getting back together, I sit there and sob like someone died, and I just analyze the situation over and over in my head. I ask myself a billion questions.
- How can you love someone and not want to be with them?
- How could he love me so much and replace me in in 3 months?
- How could he replace me with her?'
- How could he not see that we were meant to be...how could he not...

A couple weeks ago while having one of those "5 percent moments" I wrote him an email, which I never sent; thank god. This is truth week so I've decided to share it with you even though it's extremely personal to me:


Today I thought about you, and it made me cry. I've been going around every day for the last five months trying to convince myself that I hate you, that you're the worst person ever, that you don't deserve me.

But today, i realized that I'm so broken. My heart hurts so much. I never ever wanna feel this way about anyone again and don't see how I can. You were suppose to be my special dream come true. I betted everything on you, loved you the only way I knew how, to the best of my ability, with all of me. I shared my entire world with you. Ashmalli was all for M*****. No matter what, I was always willing to stick it out for you because u meant that much to me.

I know you always thought I didn't accept you for who you were. But I did. I loved you and all of your flaws. How could you think differenly? I was ALWAYS there. And now as i replay us over and over in my head, I can only conclude that you simply didn't feel the same about me as I did you. Why didn't you tell me? Why did you make me fall in love with you and then just left me out there? WHY?

I don't know if you'll ever have to experience what you've put me through emotionally but because I love you so much, I hope you don't. It sucks to loose your dream and I wouldn't ever want you to feel that way.

I guess I can only wish you the best
Love,
Ashmalli

Please don't take this as a sign of me being weak. It actually took a lot out of me to write you this.

Good Bye!


Pretty desperate huh? I dunno. I really wanted to send it, thought it would bring me closure, but I was pretty darn scared to.

When I feel like I'm getting over him, I feel guilty. And on those days I miss him, I feel so stupid.

I don't even know anymore. I can sit here and tell myself, "I don't care, I never want to be with him again" but if he asked tomorrow... :/

But that won't happen. I'm sure of it, so...
I am the Broken Hearted Girl...

A Day for Moving & Moving on!!!

Today I was thinking everyone has that one person in their lives who just continue to screw them over. That one person who can hurt you no matter what. That one person who throws them punches-not literally- and knocks you out! But then I was also thinking, if you have a person in your life like that...let them the fuk go. You know why? I'm sure they are people in your life who love you, respect you, and got your back no matter what. Those people happen to be my mommy:

& my best friend Tima:


For example, yesterday I went back to Philly for school and my best friend, mom, and my mom's fiance all came with me. Everyone was soooo helpful. I had to take all of my stuff out of storage and move it into my new apartment. This involved a lot of lifting, moving trucks, head aches, and stress.


Moms was working HARD!!!


& we were just dumb tired!!!


The bestie popped her sandals while helping me move :(...



& was all sad she couldn't help n e more.She found a way later though :)

Sorry had to throw the Mexicans on the corner in the album lol...everyone was workin' hard that day LOL


But those guys -my mom and best friend- were really there to help me every step of the way.

& even with my best friend, she is just always there that's why on the record I can say, I would do anything for her!!!

So Don't worry about the people in your lives you might not have anymore even if you want them there. I use to have that problem but I don't any more. Because I have realized that God has blessed me with the best family and friends a girl could ever ask for.

I've Got a Problem!

Okay so here it goes. My mom and her sister don't talk at all. If you ask me what the problem is, I wouldn't be able to tell you. Really I just think it's some stupid shit.

Anyhow, my mom has done so much for my aunt since she is the baby of the family. My mommy has taken her in, supported her, you know...treat her as a big sister should treat her little sister.

But like I said before, they don't speak to each other. I think it may sadden my mom so she made an attempt to call my aunt the other day. I guess she started the conversation off by saying her B-day was coming up soon and she was interested in renting out my aunt's boyfriend's club for it. She then moved into information about her resent marriage engagement.


A few hrs. later I get a call from my aunt. Here goes the convo:

Aunt: hey Ashmalli
Me: oh hey auntie ange, wats up?
Aunt: your mother called me today.
Me: really...that's nice.
Aunt: I don't know why she feels the need to call me.
Me: ahh, maybe she just wanted to talk.
Aunt: Yea, she was talking about her bday and her marriage engagement and really I don't care because i don't want to be apart of her life.
Me: (gettin' kinda tight)...ahhh so exactly what do u want me to tell her?
Aunt: If she needs the club, it's a business she doesn't need to call me and about her engagement, i don't really care. I don't want to be in here life right now.
Me: (officially tight as hell) Ahh..I'm gonna go now...my phone is dying. CLICK!

HOW DARE SHE?

So after i told my mommy and daddy all of this, they feel as though I shouldn't speak to my aunt anymore because after all, my mom was only trying to be nice and according to my mom, "you came from me and if anyone had a problem with your mom then you shouldn't wanna be nice to them."

But at the end of the day, she is my aunt and I'm not that type of person. Ya know? Like I couldn't just cut her off like that.

So I'm kinda lost as to what I should do. I have a 21st B-day dinner coming up and of course my mommy is gonna be there. I really wanted to invite my aunt but because of her present behavior I'm thinking I may not be able to.

so the question is:

Should I diss her because she played my mother HARD, or should I continue on with our aunt/niece relationship?

Train Tales Pt.2- More Postive Thinking!

Guys I swear I might just need to write a book on the train this summer or something because the postive thinking I do on there is amazing. Let's call this postive thinking on the train pt.2

As some of you may know, I just got out of a 3 yr on and off relationship. Of course I was super attached for quite a few reasons. I've spent my entire college career thus far in a relationship, he's been my 1st for so many things, I have an awesome relationship with his family, the list goes on. I usta think, I'll never get over it,how will i ever find the right one for me, OMG i know he's the one why can't he see it. But then..I've realized I am gonna be alright. It kinda shocks me. I'm almost sad at times of how well I seem to be doing alone...well not alone any more (hehe) but w/o him. Before I would cry, be upset, talk about him all day long, hope to get back together. Now, I can honestly say that doesn't happen. I smile when I think of how much I'm getting over him, how much I'm never stressed any more, how I've been gaining weight this summer & my booty is kinda offically back LMAO. I love it.

& I love him. I don't think that will ever change. Think I'm being a sucker? Nah, I'm not. Because of him...no ( can't give him that much credit) because of the relationship, I am so much smarter, a little bit better equip to deal with men, love, letting go, and moving on.

Question Unanswered (Reposted)

So the last time I posted this, no one ever really came to my blog and I kinda really wanna know what people out there think...so this is Questions Unanswered (reposted).


I tell you being a girl is tough business. So so much to go through. I think I'm finally ready to ask that question. So far this summer I've been going through a world wind of emotions. First I kinda lost the 1st guy I've ever seriously loved but I guess everyone has to go through that, so what made me think I could escape it. With that notion, I've been trying to look at things on the bright side because really him and I are just not meant to be. Not tryna play him in the least bit, but he's the most selfish person I've ever met. Which leads to my Questions Unanswered.

Can you love someone and not want to make the relationship work?

- I know people have different notions but I personally believe it's not possible. I'm an only child & I have been for all my life now. I am probably one of the most selfish people you will ever come across (no worries I'm working on it). I usually just think about me, what makes me happy, all that jazz. But with this guy, I was never like that. I loved him so much I put my selfishness aside. I put a lot of effort into the relationship. I planned everything, made all arrangements, all he had to do was show up and he could hardly do that. Puzzling part is, he goes around telling everyone he loves me and we just can't work because he can't give me what I need. Mind you, I like pretty things, but I like to get them for myself so that was never an issue. He meant emotionally. WTF! So I pose another question to you fine blogging folks...

If you really and truly love someone, wouldn't you WANT to give them what they want? At least that's how I felt about him. I was always there...

Now I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place-that is how the saying goes right?
I'm not so trusting of guys anymore, but I guess that's for the best. I swear everyone thinks they got game. But behind this mini essay I just wrote my questions really are:

-If you love someone, wouldn't you want to give them what the need?
- Can you love someone and not want to make the relationship work?

Questions Unanswered...

I tell you being a girl is tough business. So so much to go through. I think I'm finally ready to ask that question. So far this summer I've been going through a world wind of emotions. First I kinda lost the 1st guy I've ever seriously loved but I guess everyone has to go through that, so what made me think I could escape it. With that notion, I've been trying to look at things on the bright side because really him and I are just not meant to be. Not tryna play him in the least bit, but he's the most selfish person I've ever met. Which leads to my questions unanswered.

Can you love someone and not want to make the relationship work?

- I know people have different notions but I personally believe it's not possible. I'm an only child & I have been for all my life now. I am probably one of the most selfish people you will ever come across (no worries I'm working on it). I usually just think about me, what makes me happy, all that jazz. But with this guy, I was never like that. I loved him so much I put my selfishness aside. I put a lot of effort into the relationship. I planned everything, made all arrangements, all he had to do was show up and he could hardly do that. Puzzling part is, he goes around telling everyone he loves me and we just can't work because he can't give me what I need. Mind you, I like pretty things, but I like to get them for myself so that was never an issue. He meant emotionally. WTF! So I pose another question to you fine blogging folks...

If you really and truly love someone, wouldn't you WANT to give them what they want? At least that's how I felt about him. I was always there...

Now I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place-that is how the saying goes right?
I'm not so trusting of guys anymore, but I guess that's for the best. I swear everyone things they got game. But behind this mini essay I just wrote my questions really are:

-If you love someone, wouldn't you want to give them what the need?
- Can you love someone and not want to make the relationship work.