Saturday, November 15, 2008

The Truth: Pt. 5...Finale ( The Big One)

"I'm No broken hearted girl..."

6 months ago I got out of a 3 year relationship. We started dating the summer after high school and the relationship was an ideal one for me. I fell in love HARD. I just knew he was the perfect one for me, there was no one else I wanted to be with. He understood my point of views, supported everything I did, and respected me and my morals.

So I gave myself over and he was my first in so many ways. The first guy I ever
really loved, the first guy I gave myself to physically, the first guy i truly trusted, the first one to have my heart, and the first one to never gave it back.

There was all this talk-on his part- about being together forever, marriage after college, kids, and then....he dissapeared. And I feel like everything I was looking
forward to was just snatched from me.

I won't pretend like the relationship was a perfect 1 because it was far from
it, in fact we broke up about 5 times during those 3 yrs; always to his wanting
I might add. Its like we would be fine and a week later, he wouldn't want to be
together. And when we saw each other again, it would be " wow ur the one for

Don't even know what thoughts I'm trying to convey to you guys right now, but the pt of the matter is 95 percent of the times I'm fine. When I think of how much he hurt me with his actions I think maybe I am better off and I HATE him. But let me tell you, that other 5 percent of the time is HARD. Those emotions serface every once in a while. And when they do oh man... I'm hurt and can't deny it. I have these dreams of us getting back together, I sit there and sob like someone died, and I just analyze the situation over and over in my head. I ask myself a billion questions.
- How can you love someone and not want to be with them?
- How could he love me so much and replace me in in 3 months?
- How could he replace me with her?'
- How could he not see that we were meant to could he not...

A couple weeks ago while having one of those "5 percent moments" I wrote him an email, which I never sent; thank god. This is truth week so I've decided to share it with you even though it's extremely personal to me:

Today I thought about you, and it made me cry. I've been going around every day for the last five months trying to convince myself that I hate you, that you're the worst person ever, that you don't deserve me.

But today, i realized that I'm so broken. My heart hurts so much. I never ever wanna feel this way about anyone again and don't see how I can. You were suppose to be my special dream come true. I betted everything on you, loved you the only way I knew how, to the best of my ability, with all of me. I shared my entire world with you. Ashmalli was all for M*****. No matter what, I was always willing to stick it out for you because u meant that much to me.

I know you always thought I didn't accept you for who you were. But I did. I loved you and all of your flaws. How could you think differenly? I was ALWAYS there. And now as i replay us over and over in my head, I can only conclude that you simply didn't feel the same about me as I did you. Why didn't you tell me? Why did you make me fall in love with you and then just left me out there? WHY?

I don't know if you'll ever have to experience what you've put me through emotionally but because I love you so much, I hope you don't. It sucks to loose your dream and I wouldn't ever want you to feel that way.

I guess I can only wish you the best

Please don't take this as a sign of me being weak. It actually took a lot out of me to write you this.

Good Bye!

Pretty desperate huh? I dunno. I really wanted to send it, thought it would bring me closure, but I was pretty darn scared to.

When I feel like I'm getting over him, I feel guilty. And on those days I miss him, I feel so stupid.

I don't even know anymore. I can sit here and tell myself, "I don't care, I never want to be with him again" but if he asked tomorrow... :/

But that won't happen. I'm sure of it, so...
I am the Broken Hearted Girl...

13 inspirations:

Sasha said...

Dont send it. He does not deserve to know that he affects you emotionally.

I have been there. It just means there is 5% of you that isn't ready to move on.

You need to use the 95% of you that is ready to convince that 5% to move on too.

The questions you ask yourself are normal.

But answer them with "i was just not the one for him" it doesnt mean you're not great. it just means that in the grand scheme of things. the two of you are NOT MEANT TO BE. Its the simplest answer to those questions.

the behavior that you wouldnt put up with, is probably what the next woman will.

you're moving on because you deserve better than what you were given. its deffinately okay to hurt, but try your best to remember the cliche (i deserve better) all the other stuff?? Doesnt even matter, because at the end of the day, he didnt treat you right, and you deserve better than that.

Monie said...

Your latest posts definitely hit home. & I'm glad you didnt send it. Love is the most complex simplicity there ever was. Sometimes I feel like it's my mission to analyze it and find a way to fill the loop holes of confusion before we all lose hope. . .

Simone Carlene ™

Judy D. said...

i would have sent it if it was gonna help me... thats just me

Sexxy Luv said...

hugz for you lil love hard like me and i'll be honest and tell you this is going to have this affect on you for a while...since he was your 1st everything those memories will never be replaced and you're going to think of him quiet often for those reasons.

i'm glad you didn't send the letter i don't want you to be like me! lol when ever i get mad i send emails and i always seem to never hold on to my words....a blog friend told me something helpful...she said when i wanted to text the ex to send the text to myself, or when i wanted to email him send the emails to my other email address. hopefully those little tips will help you when you get in the 5% feeling.

♥ sissy

Ms. Lovely said...

I try not to relate my own situations to everyone elses but I sooooo feel what you're going through.

Right now you feel like you'll never love anybody that way again but trust me you will ((and this is coming from a girl who had her heart broken 3 times in the course of 1 year))It's a struggle..I was with someone for 8 years and today I am totally disgusted by him. All those would/coulda/shouldas flew out the window.

It takes time....Don't you wish life came with a fastforward button?


kmx. said...

I you think it will help you move on...send it. Remember my situtation with CrushBoy & I was comtemplating sending him that text, It was no where near as serious as your scenario but I was still scared...of seeming weak, and needy almost. It hurt that after I hit him up he still didn't reply, but it only made me realize that he didn't deserve me anyway.

Never make someone a priority if they consider you an option..don't know where I heard that , but it's true. I think you should send it...if you're comfortable with that. And if not, well that's fine too. Stay up girlie, ♥

Taryn "Skinny Genes" B. said...

..."got a case of a love bipolar"-

i know the situation, and i know the feeling. Time heals all wounds.

But the suckiest part is that when one wound heals, another one opens shortly after, so its like starting back to square 1 but you find a new strength in yourself everytime.

Da Hunni Toya said...

dam this is deep
i know how u feel though
but if u think u will feel much better by sending the email. Than send it

Andre said...

man sending that letter prolly woulda made you feel a hell of a lot worse! I'm super glad you didn't...

Never have really had "my heart ripped open/ stomped on" but I have felt a huge loss over losing someone from my is a losing game it seems like...

aLwAySz said...


It's good you don't send it.
Weather or not he knows how strong of a person you are, won't make your heart feel better.
Only a million "self-hugs" will do that, which i'm prescribing to you everyday STAT lol!

I know it hurts & it's lonely but your on the right track, you alwaysz got us.

Lastly your Truth week was GREAT!
I read the today and the first 3days.

You write very well and im sure i won't be disappointed.

n0days0ff said...

I hate that the most, when someone did you wrong and you still want them.sigh... Sometimes your heart isn't smart

T. Michelle Theus said...

I'm glad you didn't send it although I can totally understand wanting to. I think we have all have someone like that from our past. It's really hard. But I promise you that time really does heal all wounds. Everyday that you continue to force yourself to move forward is one step closer to closure.

*first time visiting, hope u don't mind me throwing in my 2 cents*


I know Im late on this post...but i feel everything you sayin..just pray for strength...thats what help me..nice blog