My Letter to the World

Dear World,

I'd like to point out to everyone out there, I'm a woman but at times I'm still a girl. I'm a 21 year old who has honestly never had any major issues. Sure I've had a heartbreak here or there, but everyone has to go through those.

My family life is great, I have awesome friends, I do well with my goals and ambitions, and for the most part, I get along well with others.

I think this is when people try to put me on a pedestal. Hello to everyone out there, can I pllllleeeeaaasseeee be allowed to mess up too!!!. I'm still learning.

I don't always know how to handle situations well but I try. I can honestly say, the things that I do or might have done do not come from a place of hate, anger, or intentional dishonesty...it simply comes from a place of inexperience.

Sometimes, In making the right decision for myself, I go about executing it in the wrong way, for that.... I am sorry.

I'm a work in progress ya know, and my mistakes have just started being made. All I can do, is learn from them and move on.

Sincerely,
A.M.

The Truth: Pt. 5...Finale ( The Big One)

"I'm No broken hearted girl..."

6 months ago I got out of a 3 year relationship. We started dating the summer after high school and the relationship was an ideal one for me. I fell in love HARD. I just knew he was the perfect one for me, there was no one else I wanted to be with. He understood my point of views, supported everything I did, and respected me and my morals.

So I gave myself over and he was my first in so many ways. The first guy I ever
really loved, the first guy I gave myself to physically, the first guy i truly trusted, the first one to have my heart, and the first one to never gave it back.

There was all this talk-on his part- about being together forever, marriage after college, kids, and then....he dissapeared. And I feel like everything I was looking
forward to was just snatched from me.


I won't pretend like the relationship was a perfect 1 because it was far from
it, in fact we broke up about 5 times during those 3 yrs; always to his wanting
I might add. Its like we would be fine and a week later, he wouldn't want to be
together. And when we saw each other again, it would be " wow ur the one for
me."

Don't even know what thoughts I'm trying to convey to you guys right now, but the pt of the matter is 95 percent of the times I'm fine. When I think of how much he hurt me with his actions I think maybe I am better off and I HATE him. But let me tell you, that other 5 percent of the time is HARD. Those emotions serface every once in a while. And when they do oh man... I'm hurt and can't deny it. I have these dreams of us getting back together, I sit there and sob like someone died, and I just analyze the situation over and over in my head. I ask myself a billion questions.
- How can you love someone and not want to be with them?
- How could he love me so much and replace me in in 3 months?
- How could he replace me with her?'
- How could he not see that we were meant to be...how could he not...

A couple weeks ago while having one of those "5 percent moments" I wrote him an email, which I never sent; thank god. This is truth week so I've decided to share it with you even though it's extremely personal to me:


Today I thought about you, and it made me cry. I've been going around every day for the last five months trying to convince myself that I hate you, that you're the worst person ever, that you don't deserve me.

But today, i realized that I'm so broken. My heart hurts so much. I never ever wanna feel this way about anyone again and don't see how I can. You were suppose to be my special dream come true. I betted everything on you, loved you the only way I knew how, to the best of my ability, with all of me. I shared my entire world with you. Ashmalli was all for M*****. No matter what, I was always willing to stick it out for you because u meant that much to me.

I know you always thought I didn't accept you for who you were. But I did. I loved you and all of your flaws. How could you think differenly? I was ALWAYS there. And now as i replay us over and over in my head, I can only conclude that you simply didn't feel the same about me as I did you. Why didn't you tell me? Why did you make me fall in love with you and then just left me out there? WHY?

I don't know if you'll ever have to experience what you've put me through emotionally but because I love you so much, I hope you don't. It sucks to loose your dream and I wouldn't ever want you to feel that way.

I guess I can only wish you the best
Love,
Ashmalli

Please don't take this as a sign of me being weak. It actually took a lot out of me to write you this.

Good Bye!


Pretty desperate huh? I dunno. I really wanted to send it, thought it would bring me closure, but I was pretty darn scared to.

When I feel like I'm getting over him, I feel guilty. And on those days I miss him, I feel so stupid.

I don't even know anymore. I can sit here and tell myself, "I don't care, I never want to be with him again" but if he asked tomorrow... :/

But that won't happen. I'm sure of it, so...
I am the Broken Hearted Girl...

The Truth: Pt. 2

First and foremost, this one is for my sissy:

Ain't it cute! lol

On to truth telling we go...

I'm not as brilliant as everyone presumes me to be.

My entire life I've always been the girl who got good grades in school. For the first ten yrs of my life I grew up with my mom and her 2 sisters so you guys can only imagine all the attention and guidance I got as the only child in my home. I was groomed, disciplined, and always did what I was suppose to.

These women, and it seems everyone else in my life, expect so much of me and the rest-including people in my very own family- are just waiting for me to fail.

My mom, as she says it, is the "black sheep" of the family and honestly of all her brother's and sister-15 of them all together- I'm the only one actually doing what I'm suppose to among the kids.

So at the end of the day I have a great fear of disappointing my mom, letting my family down, and fulfilling the dreams of the Nay Sayers.

Not only that though, I'm well aware that I do just enough to get me by and it makes me sick. If I were more dedicated to my achievements, I would be so better off. Sure I attend a good university and am on track but being average gets you nowhere. I know I can do better and live up to my true potential.

It gets even worst. Lately I've been feeling lost. As a little girl I always wanted to be a lawyer. But as high school rolled around I decided journalism was the way to go because I loved that too. All through out college I knew this was what I wanted to do. Now that senior year is here, I'm confused. WTF!! Should I go to law school next year? Politics is so much fun. I'm very much so interested in government. Should I get a masters in English? Should I go to grad school for journalism? Ugh!!! I need some guidance. Maybe I'm just scared. Actually, I am scared.

Beauty Good Morning!

Okay so, I'm walking to class this morning & my mommy calls me.

Mommy: beauty good morning
Me: Hi mommy
Mommy: On your way to class?
Me: yep! what cha doing?
Mommy: I had a dream about you last night... you were pregnant!
Me:(heart skips about 10 beats) ewww...gross.
Mommy: you coming home today?
Me: yea...maybe. I'll call u after class...
Mommy: okay, bye.

Alrighty, if I'd been behaving myself lately I'd have nothing to worry about...but since I haven't...SMH. I'm super paranoid about things like that, and since my mom brought it up, not I'm super scared ugh.

See what happens when you don't do what you're suppose to

I've Found Myself...well at least 4 today.

I'm just a girl, but a new found WOMAN, truly enjoying life to the fullest. As I embark on my 21st yr of life, i know that my journey is just beginning so I've made a lot of changes. Changes of the mind and heart. I've learnt that, "everything you wants not meant to be," and "Just cause I love u and u love me, It doesn't mean that that we're meant to be." I know that people change, things happen and sometimes you just have to let it go. I know that friends come and go and somethings that's just the way it has to be. I'm convinced that in order to get where we want, we've got to put ourselves there. I've learnt that "you really don't deserve me." I know that, acceptance is the key & life goes on. I know that if you think this is about you, you're exactly who I finally see you to be. I know that "trouble ain't gon be here very day,"and I know that I'm stronger than you think I am. I'm finally happy :)

Ain't No Feelin' Like Being Free

This is exactly how I feel. I woke up this morning with a big ass smile on my face. On my way to work-more train thinking- I realized how I just haven't been myself over the last 3 yrs. Sure my mom knows who I am and my best friend knows who I am, but the person I was in a relationship with never knew. When we first met it was the ending of high school and I was purer that the Virgin Mary- WORD!!! Didn't do anything. No parties, drinking, cursing, nothing. But of course I went to college and my point of views changed on a lot of things. Religion, family, friendship, and especially men.

These point of views are the ones I carry with me today. However, I had a fear of loosing this guy- stupid shit, yea I know- so I never was that person I truly was. Therefore, it was a miserable situation. I wasn't even my goofy, weirdo, Guyanese self lol.

But now things are different. I feel enlightened and all I want to be is a little bit more like me. I'm so proud of the woman I have turned out to be thus far & I wouldn't change me for the world.

So yes, I am doing everything I ever wanted to do, yes I will wear what my heart desires, yes I will tell you how I feel if necessary, and yes I am gonna be
A² to the fullest.

Side note: By no means do I want you to read this as something relevant to some guy I usta see. This is simply me embracing the me that I've become, the me that I love :)

U Guys Know That Ice Cube Song, "Today Was a Good Day"...

Quite the contrary over here in Bk. Today was the worst. I don't know if it's just me PMSing or it's just this temper I sometimes have, but today just pissed me off.

For the most part I would say it was credited to my bestfriends. I have this saying, "don't let people take control of your emotions" but it usually applies to guys and I didn't think I would have to use it on my bestfriends.

Two of my bestfriends really hurt me this weekend. One more than the other. I love them so I really don't want to put them on blast but this i do have to say...

Everyone knows I'm a planner, don't stand me up. When you do that you throw off my entire day. In addition, it's selfish to just string someone along and then never show. I wasted my entire Sunday-today- for this very same reason.

Next, if we're bestfriends you're suppose to have my back...not drop me for the crew. Don't make special plans with me and then not give a damn about me leaving me out in the cold. I would never do it to you because friends stick up for each other and don't shun their friends.

Besides that stuff, I'm a Temple Girl...Go OWLLLSSS OUCH!!!!

this is my favorite Temple T-shirt.

I was cleaning my house tonight & this is what it currently looks like...



Aww man...I know it's not a big deal, but I really liked it-being pink and all. I guess I'm just extra upset about it because it's been an upsetting day.

So to wrap it up I guess I'ma just mark it as...

Just 1 of them days!!!





How was your sunday?

Randomness Pt. 1

These are things I've been wanting to mention for the last two days but haven't in honor of my girlfriends and their B-days. This may be the most random post you've ever read because the topics are all over the place. Let's start with the train.

I take the train to work everyday and these are a few things I've noticed. People have no effin' manners. Yesterday this pregnant lady was on the Q train with me, and all these men just sat their asses down and didn't even get up for her. Then.....this one guy finally noticed her and gave up his seat. He deserves a pat on the shoulder.

2nd thing about the train. I take the 2.

At nights when I'm coming home from work I always try to stand in front of white people who are sitting down LOL. Isn't that sad. But trust me, their is good logic behind it. Most of them get off at the stops Brooklyn Museum and Grand Army Plaza; you know the prettiful neighborhoods. So They get off first, and I plop my ass down in their seats until I get to what's almost the last stop on the train..hehe.

On to the next. I've still been looking at cute doggies around NYC. I usually see tons but I'm often at work and can't just pull out my phone and snap a picture. Yesterday I was at the Bank and this thing was in there:


so I know this is mean, but he wasn't a cute one. Hence, the blurry pic. I didn't even wanna ask the owner if I could take a pic of him.

Even more randomness. I lost my wallet the other day. You know whhhhhyyyyy???? Because of this here:


I really wanted some milk 2 nights ago so I stopped at the corner store around my house to get some. This was the last place I used my wallet and I still can't find it. Then yesterday morning I had some milk before I left for work, got home at 6 and apparently I'd left the fridge slightly ajar. Soo...the shit got spoiled anyway. Awww man!!! What a waste of my time. at least I drunk 1/2 of it.

more randomness...Speaking of "awww man," I've been saying it a lot lately, it's even driving me crazy. Don't know where I got that one from. I think my boss probably says it & I notice I've been talking a lot like her too. I don't know if it's because I admire the person she is. Hmmm...

& to top it all off, biggest random of all. I've been looking at women's boobs lol. Seriously!!! When I'm at work, my co-worker, a guy, him and I pick them out. He is always like, "I swear you got some sugar in your tank," but I swear it's nothing like that. Boobs are just pretty hehe.

What's been your random deal lately?

Snipped Snipped with the quickness!!!

Alright, today I was actually gonna post a question that I really wanted an answer too. But an asshole pissed me off and I shall write about that instead.

I was talking to this guy, matter of fact he was talking to me because I could care less. He calls me last night and we're talking on the phone and he asks me what I'm doing on Friday. I said I'm going out with a friend and he keeps pushing to find out if it's a female or not. Finally he gives up, and says he's gonna go to bed, so being me -you know the one who doesn't care- I said bye.

This NIGGA -yes I said it- calls me back like three times and I really didn't feel like answering so I let that shit ring. He leaves a voicemail and this is how it goes:

"Yo I don't know who you think you are but you're being a bitch right now. You think you're the shit, blah blah blah blah....loose my number."

LMFAO..Homeboy def lost his effin' mind right? Yea, that's what I was thinking.
Like my girl B says," He must not know bout me." Shout outs to you Mr. Fean, I don't want your ass, I never wanted you, it's been 5 yrs now and you're still trying mad hard. So How bout you 1 yeaself (do people say that n e more LOL) & loose my shit because quite frankly, you act like I call you, dude you call me.

& for all you other dudes out there, that disrespectful shit does not work. You will be snipped snipped with the quickness. Yes I do think I'm the shit & quite frankly you should too...

Great, I got it all out. But real quick that "bitch" thing really pissed me off. It would have bothered you too right??