Back On My 95% Grind.

Okay so yesterday I made it seem as though I had a completely sucky day and in all actuality I didn't.

I went to work, and then decided to drop by one of my best friend's house. This particular friends happens to be little cousin to my ex. Every year around Christmas and Thanksgiving she makes this awesome special recipe jello that I love yum yum. So after work yesterday I went to pick up myyyy jello.

When I got there it was her, her mommy-whom I like to call my aunty :)- and her little cousin. Seeing them made me soooo happy because over the last three years they r people I have grown to love.

Anyhow, I got some awesome grub from my aunt, some banging jello from my friend, gave lots of hugs and kisses, and went home.

Once I got there, that's when things fell apart. My friend had told me to watch Neyo's new video "Mad" and that it would make me cry because it made her cry. Here you guys can take a look.

Neyo- Mad



As I started watching the video man I began to cry. The song was sad, the video was heartbreaking, and I felt that 5% creep up on me.

Seeing them, whom I see as family now, just made me miss that part of my life terribly. Pretty much one person ruined it all for me, but I guess he was the most important factor huh? Because they all came with him. Anyway, it is what it is.

"I'm convinced that we black women possess a special indestructible strength that allows us to not only get down, but to get up, to get through, and to get over.”-- Janet Jackson.

5% of the time...

The 5% has taken me over today...

Don't know what I speak of? Check out November's "The Truth: Part 5... Finale (The Big One)"

Thankies!

Rest & be thankful."
--William Wordsworth.
Happy Thankgiving Everyone!!!

P.S. 4 the sissy:


hehe

I Think I've Got Heavy Boots!

"I was afraid the answer would give me heavy boots."
- Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, Jonathan Safran Foers.

I've got heavy boots or at least I think I do. You guys may or may not have noticed but I haven't been here for a week. I wanted to be, but just haven't been. No particular reason. I suppose I always have time for blogging but I have so much going on in my head. It's why I have heavy boots.

Thanksgiving break from school is finally here and I'm on my way back to my NYC as we speak :) that makes my boots a bit lighter. but the fact that my entire break will be consumed with papers, projects, and work, makes my boots heavy again.

I promise I'm not complaining though. I like being responsible for my own life which can either make my boots heavier or lighter at times.

Have a few things to share with you guys, but next time. Just wanted to show my face :)

P.s. Sissy if you're reading this. WTF!!! Where did u go. You know you're my favorite. Shoot me an email address or something so I don't have to miss u...you being gone makes my boots increadibly heavy :(

I think I'm in Love with...

John Mayer

Okay, maybe not in love with him, but in love with his music. I've been listening to a lot of his songs lately and seriously they are sooooooo soothing. You know how usually listening to sad love songs has a way of depressing a person? Not with Mr. Mayer's talents. He can sing about heartbreak and soothe the hell out of me.

His music is perfect for going to sleep, studying, and just bring lots of calm to my life. I think I've finally found a favorite male singer.

Here's one of my favorites by the man...

& I'm Thankful Pt. 1

It's Tuesday, and just another day for me. I'm here back in Philadelphia dealing with "the happy family." I just can't be bothered. Just know before this week is out I'm spazzing on somebody.

Remember I said this would be "& I'm thankful" week, well here goes...

& I'm thankful for my mom!

I realize that may seem cliche, but it is what it is. Without my mother, seriously, I don't know where I would be. All my life she has been a single mother struggling to give me the things she NEVER had.

When we migrated from Guyana,SA, she could have left me there as so many parents do. But she wasn't having it. She took me with her. Through out all my schooling so far, she has been there encouraging me even though she didn't have the ed. I'm obtaining. If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't even be in college because I wouldn't be able to afford it. My mom has used the LAST of her savings for her dream house, to ensure I don't stay out of school not one semester.


Kisses for my mommmy!

There is never a time when I'm in trouble and can't count on my mommy for help. So ya'll better be thankful for her too, because if she wasn't here for me...there would be no A.M. Lol.


Luvs Her!!!

New week...New Topic!

Truth week went very well. It allowed me to open up a little bit more, helped me to figure somethings out, and brought me closer to you guys. Thanks for all the support you all showed. In fact truth week went so well, I've decided to highlight something else for an entire week. Drum roll please....

This week I will be sharing What I'm most thankful for. By no means is my life a depressing one. We went through my truth week and I highlighted a lot of troubles, but within those troubles, I have a lot of happiness. So sit back, relax, and get ready for, "I'm thankful for...

Besides that stuff, I've been blessed with my big red gift...

And its killing me. My back has been hurting for three days now. No matter how many aspirins I pop, it won't do the trick. Oh well, hopefully only 4 more days to go :/

On another note, I've been reading this book:


I bought it sometime ago and thought it to be hella funny. Every once in awhile I pop it out for pure comedy. It really has some good points though that have worked for me in the past. But who am I gonna try these techniques on???

I know!!!! This guy I met at my job yesterday. Guys, I totally bagged him up lol. We'll call him Mr. Club. He came in earlier in the day, I noticed and tried to help him, but that didn't work. He left, and later came back. After bumping my co worker off the cash reg, speeding through a return so I could have him next, I finally got him. Here goes the convo lol

Me: did anyone help u out today?
Mr. Club: just me.
Me: that's very unfortunate. If I were down there, I would have def assisted u (insert a smile)
Mr: club: yea I know, I was looking for u, but u disappeared.
My manager: you should come work here.
Me: yea you're totally club.
Mr.club: club? What does that mean?
Me: here at Club Monaco we're good looking bunch, and you're very good lucking, you fit the bill. (More excessive smiling) hehe.

This led to some chit chat about me going to school in Philly blah blah blah, him saying we should keep in touch, and me writing those digits down on his receipt. Woop woop. All over one pair of jeans lol. The rest of the people waiting on the line must have been upset...oh wellz lol.

He text me sometime early Sunday afternoon but I never responded because I have this new thing about texting with men. I guess we'll see what happens. Doesn't really matter 2 me though.

Well Its 2am, off to bed I go :)

The Truth: Pt. 5...Finale ( The Big One)

"I'm No broken hearted girl..."

6 months ago I got out of a 3 year relationship. We started dating the summer after high school and the relationship was an ideal one for me. I fell in love HARD. I just knew he was the perfect one for me, there was no one else I wanted to be with. He understood my point of views, supported everything I did, and respected me and my morals.

So I gave myself over and he was my first in so many ways. The first guy I ever
really loved, the first guy I gave myself to physically, the first guy i truly trusted, the first one to have my heart, and the first one to never gave it back.

There was all this talk-on his part- about being together forever, marriage after college, kids, and then....he dissapeared. And I feel like everything I was looking
forward to was just snatched from me.


I won't pretend like the relationship was a perfect 1 because it was far from
it, in fact we broke up about 5 times during those 3 yrs; always to his wanting
I might add. Its like we would be fine and a week later, he wouldn't want to be
together. And when we saw each other again, it would be " wow ur the one for
me."

Don't even know what thoughts I'm trying to convey to you guys right now, but the pt of the matter is 95 percent of the times I'm fine. When I think of how much he hurt me with his actions I think maybe I am better off and I HATE him. But let me tell you, that other 5 percent of the time is HARD. Those emotions serface every once in a while. And when they do oh man... I'm hurt and can't deny it. I have these dreams of us getting back together, I sit there and sob like someone died, and I just analyze the situation over and over in my head. I ask myself a billion questions.
- How can you love someone and not want to be with them?
- How could he love me so much and replace me in in 3 months?
- How could he replace me with her?'
- How could he not see that we were meant to be...how could he not...

A couple weeks ago while having one of those "5 percent moments" I wrote him an email, which I never sent; thank god. This is truth week so I've decided to share it with you even though it's extremely personal to me:


Today I thought about you, and it made me cry. I've been going around every day for the last five months trying to convince myself that I hate you, that you're the worst person ever, that you don't deserve me.

But today, i realized that I'm so broken. My heart hurts so much. I never ever wanna feel this way about anyone again and don't see how I can. You were suppose to be my special dream come true. I betted everything on you, loved you the only way I knew how, to the best of my ability, with all of me. I shared my entire world with you. Ashmalli was all for M*****. No matter what, I was always willing to stick it out for you because u meant that much to me.

I know you always thought I didn't accept you for who you were. But I did. I loved you and all of your flaws. How could you think differenly? I was ALWAYS there. And now as i replay us over and over in my head, I can only conclude that you simply didn't feel the same about me as I did you. Why didn't you tell me? Why did you make me fall in love with you and then just left me out there? WHY?

I don't know if you'll ever have to experience what you've put me through emotionally but because I love you so much, I hope you don't. It sucks to loose your dream and I wouldn't ever want you to feel that way.

I guess I can only wish you the best
Love,
Ashmalli

Please don't take this as a sign of me being weak. It actually took a lot out of me to write you this.

Good Bye!


Pretty desperate huh? I dunno. I really wanted to send it, thought it would bring me closure, but I was pretty darn scared to.

When I feel like I'm getting over him, I feel guilty. And on those days I miss him, I feel so stupid.

I don't even know anymore. I can sit here and tell myself, "I don't care, I never want to be with him again" but if he asked tomorrow... :/

But that won't happen. I'm sure of it, so...
I am the Broken Hearted Girl...

The Truth: Pt. 4

I've slighted the ones who really care!

This is neither a comment nor a question, just something that popped up in my mind. Why do woment treat their man better than their friends? Friends are much like a family. Most of the time relationships with friends are lasting ones. No matter how far you may drift apart, you still hold that person in your heart.

But when we get a man, we diss our friends and I know everyone of you is guilty of this,because so am I. You make plans with your girl but your man wants to do something so you either cut the time short or you make up an excuse and off you go to your beau. Its your friends birthday and you can't afford to buy her a gift. However, when your man's birthday rolls around no matter what your financial state of being, you make that watch he so badly wanted happen.

At the end of the day, when things may not have worked out with Mr. Wrong, you run right back to your girlfriends crying, angry, upset, and they are the ones left to pick you up.

On the other hand, a man will not do the same for you. If he made plans to chill with his boys that's just what he's going to do. Why put someone first who is probably only going to temporairly be there.

This is why my notions have changed. I just don't want to be bothered. My family and friends come first because I'm sure of always having them in my life. I'm sure they will always love and support me; after all they've only proven it time and time again. Never again will I stand a girlfriend up, switch up our plans, skim on her gift, Never!!!
The friends I have, they come first...and that's just where I am in my life right now.

The Truth: Pt. 3

I'm.a freaking punk.I don't like confrontation. Don't know what's wrong with me total opposite of my parents. So its been difficult for me to deal with the room mate situation I told u all about earlier.

Tues morning I'm walking out the door to class and here she comes behind me asking me to use my key because she left her man in OUR house and needed my key to lock the door.

So we're on our way to school together and I thought this would be the perfect time to bring it up.

Me: so tell me if you think I'm being harsh, but I'm tired of seeing your boyfriend everyday.

Her: laughs.

Me: no seriously, I am. I'm only here 3 days out of the wk, we share all the bills, and I can't be comfortable in my own home. You see how u can walk around in your bra? I can't do that because he is ALWAYS here.

Her: but he broke his bed at his. House.

Me: ahh, honestly that's what u said a month ago and that's none of my concern. Do you understand where I'm coming from?

Her: yes. I do

Me: and another thing I really don't like it that he's there when ur not. Like u really left him here that wknd when u went to ny.

Her: but he had to watch the dog.

Me: ummm...couldn't he do that at his house..

Then the conversation just died out. That was tuesday morning and a whole two days later, he is still here. UGH!!! Like right now. Its almost two in the morning and I'm laying here stressed while they are probably happy as hell laying up in her bed. She obviously hasn't made any moves to make me feel comfortable over the last 2 days.
What ya'll think about it?.

The Truth: Pt. 2

First and foremost, this one is for my sissy:

Ain't it cute! lol

On to truth telling we go...

I'm not as brilliant as everyone presumes me to be.

My entire life I've always been the girl who got good grades in school. For the first ten yrs of my life I grew up with my mom and her 2 sisters so you guys can only imagine all the attention and guidance I got as the only child in my home. I was groomed, disciplined, and always did what I was suppose to.

These women, and it seems everyone else in my life, expect so much of me and the rest-including people in my very own family- are just waiting for me to fail.

My mom, as she says it, is the "black sheep" of the family and honestly of all her brother's and sister-15 of them all together- I'm the only one actually doing what I'm suppose to among the kids.

So at the end of the day I have a great fear of disappointing my mom, letting my family down, and fulfilling the dreams of the Nay Sayers.

Not only that though, I'm well aware that I do just enough to get me by and it makes me sick. If I were more dedicated to my achievements, I would be so better off. Sure I attend a good university and am on track but being average gets you nowhere. I know I can do better and live up to my true potential.

It gets even worst. Lately I've been feeling lost. As a little girl I always wanted to be a lawyer. But as high school rolled around I decided journalism was the way to go because I loved that too. All through out college I knew this was what I wanted to do. Now that senior year is here, I'm confused. WTF!! Should I go to law school next year? Politics is so much fun. I'm very much so interested in government. Should I get a masters in English? Should I go to grad school for journalism? Ugh!!! I need some guidance. Maybe I'm just scared. Actually, I am scared.

The Truth:: Pt. 1

I'm a lonely person. Not just some of the times but most of the times. The sad part is, I've always been lonely, for years now.

I spend so much time talking in my head because there is no one to talk to. When I'm away at school I wake up, go to class, get done what I need to, and then go home. I'm always by myself.

Holidays are the worst time ever, in fact I'm dreading thanksgiving and christmas. My family consist of myself and my mom. Don't get me wrong, I'm very thankful for her...but the events of it all just isn't cheerful. Then I'm left to think of all the happy people I know and how much of a good time they are having with their families. On these days I seriously lay in bed all day just waiting for the day to pass.

I'm lonely because I am alone... and I don't know what I need or what will make it or me better.

MAJOR VENT!

Okay before I get to all my truth telling, I gotta vent some. Men are sooo retarded.

Guy #1
He's an Eagles' fan, I'm a Giants' fan. He's a man so obviously he's waaaayyy more into football than I am. I support the Giants because they are my home team. I may not watch all the games, I may not know the names of all the players, but I do keep tabs on them. So this guy was sure that the Eagles were gonna win tonight and I told him, "nah homie sit down, my GIANTS have got this all the way."

Needless to say I was right. So I straight gloated on his ass like us girls do. You know "hahhaha!!! your team sucks, they lost at their home field. Told you I was gonna win...hahhaha you lost!!"

Then homey really got upset like "name five players on the team." Umm seriously I have to prove nothing to no man but my home boy Jesus upstairs. Told him he needed to fall way back. Here he goes with the "well you're a fake fan, you just joined the ban wagon because they won the super bowl," yea whatever homey.

So I had to tell him like it was. You can try to get me upset all you want, you can hang up, be a jerk but after all that ya still got ya ass wooped, by my team, in ya home stadium...then I LAUGHED MY ASS OFF some more.

Then he was like, "good night."
My response: PEACE
what a dumb ass!!!

Guy #2
He's all upset because I called him today to ask if he called me last night after our visit. He said yes it was from his house phone, my response:
"oh cool alrighty just wanted to see who the number belonged to and I thought it might have been yours"
Him: you not even gonna ask how I'm doing?
Me: No! Bye

Called him back tonight and he's all like, he doesn't want to talk to me because of the way I acted earlier. Whatever dude.

Okay so I know that was a bit mean but WTF ever, he deserves it much. I hate guys like him. We dated each other through out the summer, he made me like him HARD, and then fell back... REALLY REALLY hard. The comments he would make made me think, "wow he thinks he's got me wrapped around his finger."

Sorry I've done it before and I WILL NOT do it again. Why should I be feaning for someone who isn't feaning for him, and that's exactly what he wants. When I was nice to him it got me nowhere. Now that I'm on my "I don't really care" biz...he wants to be upset

UGH!!! this is why I'm single and plan on keeping it that way for a LONNNGGG time to come. It's all about me, and I don't wanna even bother to care about U. Men!!!

The Truth, the Whole Truth and Nothing But The Truth!

When it comes to my thoughts displayed on paper, I like to keep them nicely organized. But not this time...I just wanna let it go. So I have decided to create truth week here on A.M. In Everyday.

Please don't be mistaken, I do type the truth, and share with you all everyday. However, sometimes I may glide over my feelings. Not truly exposing myself. Maybe its from the fear of being looked upon as weak or desperate. Maybe I'm afraid you guys will truly tell me how you feel.

That's okay though :) I've grown to appreciate you all and your blogs in my own way. I've always respected your truths and I'm sure you will be able to do the same for me.

This week will be a chance for you to get to know me a little bit better. Most importantly, this week will hopefully help me to sort through who I am, accept my feelings, and move on.

Welcome to truth week!!!

Me, him, her, and the dog!

Its Friday and I'm on my way back to NYC as we speak blogging via blackberry. Seriously, I'm dumb annoyed.

I really need your advice on this one so pleasseee read the entire thing.

I live in a two bedroom apartment with what I thought would be just my roommate and I. We both go to the same university, knew each other from high school. So its convenient. We split the rent, cable, and electric evenly. Back in August she told me she would be babysitting a dog a few days a week would that be okay? I said fine because I like doggies. Turned out to be her dog which lives with us. Don't really have a problem with it because I like the little thing but still why did she have to lie?

Whom I do have a problem with is her boyfriend. He is a cool guy but he is ALWAYS at my house no lie 7 days a week. One weekend she went home to NY for the entire weekend, I come home and here he goes.
Me: where is T?
Him: she went home to NY
Me: so what r u doing here? Him: watching the dog.

WTF!!! Can't u take the dog to your house. Then he goes, " I'm leaving, I may or may not be back." And strolls out the house with her key which she left him. I left the house for one second to go visit with the girls upstairs, he locked the door. I had to call her all the way In NY to tell her to tell her BF to open my fucking door. Then he has to nerve to say, "I thought u were going home." Nigga (and I never use that word, so u know I'm pissed) I am home, I pay the bills here not you."
I came home wed night from NY, there he goes again.
ME: Where is T?
Him: somewhere doing a project.

So I just migrated to my room. I feel like I can't be comfortable in my own house because he is there all the time when she is or isn't there. She walks around in her bra and stuff...I wanna be comfortable like that too. But ofcourse she can do that because its her man and I'm another girl. I can't do that cause he is always there. If I'm dressed skimpy in my room, I always have to put on extra clothes just to walk to the fridge or bathroom. I've had company over but best believe they leave when I do.

I don't wanna come off like I'm hating or being a bitch, and I know I have to keep in account that she also lives and pay bills there too. Things between us have been fine since we moved in and I don't wanna cause a strain. I'm not even there all week. I go home to NY friday mornings and come back Monday night. Therefore, I'm really only there 3 days a week. And for those three days I wanna be comfortable.
THIs IS WHERE U GUYS COME IN!!! what do ya'll think I should do that's reasonable for us both?

P.s. Ladies he even leaves my toilet seats up and empties my ice trays...ugh!!!

Yes We Can & Yes WE DID!!!

Ladies and Gentlemen of blogland, I introudce you to the new president of the United States of America:

Barack Obama!!!!

Here's to a better you, a better me, a better America!!!
My President is BLACK bitches!!!

Today is The Day...Vote Obama!!!

I've already Ba-Rocked it...& If you haven't... WTF R U WAITING FOR???
No job, class, or other obligation should be keeping you back from doing this. I actually had a 10 am lit class, where this dude is like, "voting is not an excuse for missing class." R U SERIOUS? & let my Barack down? I think not!

The experience was simple enough. I went, long line, but it was worth it a million times over...and it was literally a 10 min walk from my house. There was no excuse :)

Happy Voting my Lovelies!!!

P.S. Everytime there is a holiday, I go to google to seee what the sign will be because they are usually so creative.

hehe..the election day one is adorable: